Housewife? Who's a housewife anymore?

Since I stopped working outside the home in February of 2004, I've had a chance to examine several of my own, and others', attitudes about being a SAHM. Here are a few:

1. What do you do to fill all those hours?
2. Gosh, you're really lucky.
3. Wish I could do that, but [valid reason]
4. Well, I can't do that because...[defensive reason]
5. Silence (they really can't imagine my life, so they don't know what to say).

First, a word. This is a topic that provokes strong reactions from other women who work. Many times the stay-at-home-mother is greeted by the reaction that her lot in life must be either an expression of license (my husband is richer than your husband) or an object of pity (the poor thing is a prisoner in her own home). The conversation dies, just like that.

In response, I have developed the attitude that "our circumstances may be different, but it's just as hard for both of us--only in different ways." What I mean is that we all expend a certain amount of effort to live a lifestyle that makes us most comfortable. And I don't mean just materially comfortable, but mentally and psychologically and emotionally comfortable, too.

Some people are willing to expend incredible amounts of effort to be around other people most of the time because they are psychologically uncomfortable being alone. Some women think they can't be good mothers unless they work--they are emotionally uncomfortable with the challenge of being with their kids all day. Some women crave the intellectual stimulation they get from a career so much that they are mentally uncomfortable dealing with only mundane matters on a daily basis (the newsletter, in fact, is my attempt to seek relief for this problem).

Therefore, it doesn't necessarily follow that either woman--the mom that works, or the mom that stays at home--should feel superior or inferior to the other. They are simply seeking to fulfill the needs they've placed as their highest priority. There is nothing wrong with this, but one thing you will notice me emphasizing from time to time is the importance of goals and choices, and taking responsibility for your choices. The mother who works because she is running away from the need to learn to manage a household is no more liberated than the woman who stays at home out of fear, and experiences endless stress and chaos. They have chosen their priorities, but not consciously. Therefore it is impossible to take responsibility for those choices. On the other hand, the mom who works knowing she is meeting a goal should feel comfortable talking with the organized housewife who knows her worth.

So, with the sound conviction that there is nothing unavoidably horrible OR inherently sublime in the state of the SAHM, let's dive in:

ATTITUDE #1: So what DO you do all day?

I thought I would have empty, endless hours ahead of me as a stay-at-home-mom. I was assured by other SAHM's that this was a myth. I wasn't so sure. Then the baby came, and I discovered they were right. Suddenly I was a 24-hour-a-day milk machine. Despite my fatigue, however, I was driven to do things other then sleep when I put my baby down, because that was the only time when I wasn't stuck to the couch with my boobs exposed.

Incredibly, as the baby got older, I developed a standard of productivity unknown in my pre-baby life. I became a whirlwind of activity and efficiency. Suddenly there were all these projects around the house that needed doing. And since I hadn't spent that much time at home before, I didn't notice that I hated the backyard, or that I longed for different-colored walls in my bedroom. I also didn't notice the running toilet, the cracks in the wall, or the leaky faucet. My days are devoted to the necessary "business" of life--baby care, housework, and bills--but I also have ample time to fix up the house and do many things to improve its value that I wouldn't have had the time for had I gone back to work. I am confident that I am making this house a real investment, increasing its value by the many (mostly little) things I do to maintain and spuce it up.

The other thing I do with the extra time is what I call Reading the Fine Print. If I was working, I would be too exhausted to examine bills and receipts for mistakes or hidden charges or ways we could save money. Granted, even though sitting down with a fat insurance contract with my turkey sandwich isn't the most fulfilling thing about staying at home, it is an eye opener. I've since made several changes that will save us hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in the future. I find I do have one time advantage that many other SAHM's probably don't have. Since my husband is gone most of the time, I have far less housework, cooking, and laundry to do, which saves more time that I can devote to other projects.

In fact, in the year that I've been a stay-at-home mom I have found that not only can we afford it, but after caulking all our financial leaks and evaluating my own earning potential, I have come to believe that, unless circumstances were radically different (if my husband were to become disabled, for example--God forbid--or if, due to unprecedented bad economic conditions, he was limited to working at Wal-Mart), I far prefer staying at home and filling my hours doing things that benefit my family's goals.