Monday, October 30, 2006
Another $5,000 hospital bill!!
Sisters, please pray for us and for our little boy's health. And please vote for anything that will reduce health care costs! I hate money!
Veiling: update, apology, and explanation
Of my very few (but very appreciated) readers, some sharper-eyed ones may have noticed that the two posts "Taking the Veil" and "Taking the Veil...Part II" are gone. I originally wrote those posts after reading a whole raft of info on the issue of mantilla-wearing at Mass, concluding that there must be some kind of holdover from the 1917 Code of Canon Law requiring the wearing of the veil at Mass that the post-Vatican II Church just kept mum about.
In my pride, I felt that Jimmy Akin needed to be corrected, so I informed him of my disagreement with his interpretation of canon law on the subject, citing some traditionalist-oriented web sites as my sources.
Then I read all the discussion threads I could find on Catholic.com pertaining to this subject--and saw that all the veil advocates GOT ABSOLUTELY TROUNCED when they trotted out their arguments for veiling as required by canon law. I modified my opinion to accommodate the new information...which is basically that a satisfactory case for veiling being some kind of back-door requirement of the Church CANNOT BE MADE in such a way that it will be taken seriously. The veil has been consigned to the realm of "personal devotion."
Sadly, I discovered that even Magisterium-loving Catholics are divided into little subcamps. The Catholic Answers/EWTN crowd are called the "neo-cons" and the Latin Mass-loving, mantilla wearing (but not SSPX) crowd are called the traditionalists, or simply "trads" for short. This may not come as much of a shock to anyone but me, but I got really depressed over the whole thing. Can't we all just be Catholic, follow the Magisterium, and get along?
So I took my posts down, wrote a shamefaced little apology e-mail to Jimmy and am now lurking around at jimmyakin.org, afraid to show my moniker.
So by way of explanation, my goal here is to take a little snapshot of my current thinking on mantillas, or headcovering--which is an umbrella term for all kinds of coverings worn in all kinds of situations by all kinds of well-meaning women, be they Christian, Jewish, or Muslim (there is probably a Master's thesis lurking in here).
1. This is a huge issue. I have been reading for weeks, unable to piece together a cohesive Catholic perspective on the whole thing. Aside from the do-we-wear-one-at-Mass-or-not controversy, there are varying interpretations of I Corinthians 11, some of which dismiss the whole thing as an example of Paul just being overzealous, the Corinthians being a special case, or veiling being just a cultural practice specific to the times. While our sola scriptura sisters have a refreshing clarity when it comes to seeing this command jump out at them from Scripture, the Catholics shrink back and cry, "Not unless the Pope tells me to...preferably in person!"
2. If you do decide to wear a headcovering...there is NO GUIDANCE. This is a situation in which it would be a relief to be Amish, or CCF, where they tell you what type of headcovering you are to wear and what color and that's that. If you are Catholic, not only do you have no official direction from the Church on this, you have the active animosity of a large contingent of people who have/had a vested interest in "modernizing" the Church, and here you are drawing attention to yourself and implicitly criticizing their "reforms"-- and that's if you're only wearing a covering at Mass. What if you start showing up to all the non-Mass parish events in your covering? What happens when your lapsed-Catholic relatives get a gander at you come Thanksgiving? How do you explain your "new look" to your few remaining Protestant friends who don't really know anything about the Church in the first place? Right now there are too many unanswered questions for me to start wearing a headcovering full-time, although my heart is drawn to the practice.
3. I am afraid I'll be sending the wrong message...spreading confusion, instead of the gospel. This is the real kicker. We must be in the last, last days, because these days when somebody wants to appear overtly religious, they are either ignored or persecuted (and yes, I consider staring to be a form of persecution--it says, "Who do you think you are? I've got my eye on you!") You will quickly find out what people think of your faith when you wear it on your head. "You look Amish with that thing on your head," said my talkative neighbor Joe when he saw my black kerchief. Note: he didn't say, "Wow, I so appreciate your wonderful Catholic and Christian witness! You are making me think about the Lord!" Now times this reaction by twenty and this is what you will have to endure every day, every week, every year of your life until the end. It is not something to be taken on blithely.
And yet, I admire the Catholic sisters on my Yahoo discussion group, which is for Catholic women who cover and who feel called to plain dress, like the Amish (I didn't know they existed either). They offer up the pain of being noticed in this manner, of being mistaken for Mennonite or JW or some other conservative fundamentalist group, knowing in their hearts that they are trying their level best to follow the Scripture and live according to the immemorial traditions of the Church, even if that amounts only to a trough of irrelevance in today's day and age.
And so my agonizing dilemma goes...should I wear makeup, or shouldn't I? Should I wear my hair up every day or shouldn't I? Is it OK to wear pants around the house, or do I need the "feminizing" influence of a skirt even more when I'm inside? I really sympathize with those of you who just don't get the whole emphasis on "appearance." "Why are you spending so much time and energy worrying about it?" they wonder.
You know, I sometimes wonder the same thing. I guess it's like when you examine Christianity for the first time, and you realize that you're going to have to change everything about your life. And yet, what you've found is so beautiful, that you know once you've made the changes and are living only for God, that you'll be more at peace than you've ever been, you'll have more time and energy for Him because you're not being "tossed to and fro on every wind of doctrine."
I guess it's the same with women and the way we dress and present ourselves. Up until now, I've been tossed around when it comes to fashion and I'm tired of it. On the other hand, I don't want to just give up and wear a unisex uniform every day. When you're a stay-at-home, and you don't have all the "outside" stuff to keep you distracted, your soul yearns for beauty, delicacy and all the refined sentiments that women have that help us make a home and a family. When I'm dressed in a feminine manner that is correct for my role, it's like something that was dislocated gets put back into joint. It just feels right.
Here is a nice little run-down on headcovering by Hillbilly Housewife:
http://www.scriptures.hillbillyhousewife.com/beginners.htm
In my pride, I felt that Jimmy Akin needed to be corrected, so I informed him of my disagreement with his interpretation of canon law on the subject, citing some traditionalist-oriented web sites as my sources.
Then I read all the discussion threads I could find on Catholic.com pertaining to this subject--and saw that all the veil advocates GOT ABSOLUTELY TROUNCED when they trotted out their arguments for veiling as required by canon law. I modified my opinion to accommodate the new information...which is basically that a satisfactory case for veiling being some kind of back-door requirement of the Church CANNOT BE MADE in such a way that it will be taken seriously. The veil has been consigned to the realm of "personal devotion."
Sadly, I discovered that even Magisterium-loving Catholics are divided into little subcamps. The Catholic Answers/EWTN crowd are called the "neo-cons" and the Latin Mass-loving, mantilla wearing (but not SSPX) crowd are called the traditionalists, or simply "trads" for short. This may not come as much of a shock to anyone but me, but I got really depressed over the whole thing. Can't we all just be Catholic, follow the Magisterium, and get along?
So I took my posts down, wrote a shamefaced little apology e-mail to Jimmy and am now lurking around at jimmyakin.org, afraid to show my moniker.
So by way of explanation, my goal here is to take a little snapshot of my current thinking on mantillas, or headcovering--which is an umbrella term for all kinds of coverings worn in all kinds of situations by all kinds of well-meaning women, be they Christian, Jewish, or Muslim (there is probably a Master's thesis lurking in here).
1. This is a huge issue. I have been reading for weeks, unable to piece together a cohesive Catholic perspective on the whole thing. Aside from the do-we-wear-one-at-Mass-or-not controversy, there are varying interpretations of I Corinthians 11, some of which dismiss the whole thing as an example of Paul just being overzealous, the Corinthians being a special case, or veiling being just a cultural practice specific to the times. While our sola scriptura sisters have a refreshing clarity when it comes to seeing this command jump out at them from Scripture, the Catholics shrink back and cry, "Not unless the Pope tells me to...preferably in person!"
2. If you do decide to wear a headcovering...there is NO GUIDANCE. This is a situation in which it would be a relief to be Amish, or CCF, where they tell you what type of headcovering you are to wear and what color and that's that. If you are Catholic, not only do you have no official direction from the Church on this, you have the active animosity of a large contingent of people who have/had a vested interest in "modernizing" the Church, and here you are drawing attention to yourself and implicitly criticizing their "reforms"-- and that's if you're only wearing a covering at Mass. What if you start showing up to all the non-Mass parish events in your covering? What happens when your lapsed-Catholic relatives get a gander at you come Thanksgiving? How do you explain your "new look" to your few remaining Protestant friends who don't really know anything about the Church in the first place? Right now there are too many unanswered questions for me to start wearing a headcovering full-time, although my heart is drawn to the practice.
3. I am afraid I'll be sending the wrong message...spreading confusion, instead of the gospel. This is the real kicker. We must be in the last, last days, because these days when somebody wants to appear overtly religious, they are either ignored or persecuted (and yes, I consider staring to be a form of persecution--it says, "Who do you think you are? I've got my eye on you!") You will quickly find out what people think of your faith when you wear it on your head. "You look Amish with that thing on your head," said my talkative neighbor Joe when he saw my black kerchief. Note: he didn't say, "Wow, I so appreciate your wonderful Catholic and Christian witness! You are making me think about the Lord!" Now times this reaction by twenty and this is what you will have to endure every day, every week, every year of your life until the end. It is not something to be taken on blithely.
And yet, I admire the Catholic sisters on my Yahoo discussion group, which is for Catholic women who cover and who feel called to plain dress, like the Amish (I didn't know they existed either). They offer up the pain of being noticed in this manner, of being mistaken for Mennonite or JW or some other conservative fundamentalist group, knowing in their hearts that they are trying their level best to follow the Scripture and live according to the immemorial traditions of the Church, even if that amounts only to a trough of irrelevance in today's day and age.
And so my agonizing dilemma goes...should I wear makeup, or shouldn't I? Should I wear my hair up every day or shouldn't I? Is it OK to wear pants around the house, or do I need the "feminizing" influence of a skirt even more when I'm inside? I really sympathize with those of you who just don't get the whole emphasis on "appearance." "Why are you spending so much time and energy worrying about it?" they wonder.
You know, I sometimes wonder the same thing. I guess it's like when you examine Christianity for the first time, and you realize that you're going to have to change everything about your life. And yet, what you've found is so beautiful, that you know once you've made the changes and are living only for God, that you'll be more at peace than you've ever been, you'll have more time and energy for Him because you're not being "tossed to and fro on every wind of doctrine."
I guess it's the same with women and the way we dress and present ourselves. Up until now, I've been tossed around when it comes to fashion and I'm tired of it. On the other hand, I don't want to just give up and wear a unisex uniform every day. When you're a stay-at-home, and you don't have all the "outside" stuff to keep you distracted, your soul yearns for beauty, delicacy and all the refined sentiments that women have that help us make a home and a family. When I'm dressed in a feminine manner that is correct for my role, it's like something that was dislocated gets put back into joint. It just feels right.
Here is a nice little run-down on headcovering by Hillbilly Housewife:
http://www.scriptures.hillbillyhousewife.com/beginners.htm
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Reader mail (I always wanted to say that!)
Here is a reader question that recently appeared in the comment box, followed by my response. I think it is a good letter, and that it points out some needed clarifications:
Hi, I'll try to answer your question, but I'm not an authority, only a housewife :)
1. www.catholicmodesty.com
Standards of Modesty in Dress
Imprimatur dated Sept. 24, 1956
"A dress cannot be called decent which is cut deeper than two fingers breadth under the pit of the throat; which does not cover the arms at least to the elbows; and scarcely reaches a bit beyond the knees. Furthermore, dresses of transparent materials are improper."
The Cardinal Vicar of Pius XII
I just used the phrase "Pope test" as shorthand...thanks for pointing out to me that it needed to be clarified (you mean somebody actually read my blog?? Whoo-hoo!).
2.
a. Only God knows. It's a path He's drawn me to. Without grace, without Scripture, and without the Church, there's really no point in delineating any standards at all. The modern culture just continues to slouch toward Gomorrah, so there's no standards there. Just what won't get you busted. Also check out Deuteronomy 22:5: "A woman shall not be clothed with man's apparel, neither shall a man use woman's apparel: for he that doeth these things is abominable before God." I think some of the gender-bending fashions we've seen in history are the exception, not the rule.
b. I applaud your journey. I think we all get to a point after conversion where we have to listen deeply for God's call and His personal will for our lives. You know He wants you to be Catholic, but what kind of Catholic will you be? Do you know He is calling you to sainthood? That He is calling every person on earth to sainthood? Do you know that when men can see the separation of your legs...it doesn't matter what you're wearing, they are staring at the rear of the woman. Please don't be offended...I try to be a very refined person but sometimes women don't seem to realize that men are so plagued by concupiscence that we are shocked when we find out! I am not saying that men are animals, or that they all want to do this, but they are bombarded all day with things that tempt them to sin. We can help our brothers out by "veiling" our intimate parts.
c. I totally agree about winter!! You freeze, because modern skirts aren't made to keep you warm--you can't fit anything under them. But jeans aren't necessarily any warmer. My advice is, find or make a longish skirt that is cut a bit fuller than "normal" and wear some exercise pants or soft pajama pants underneath. That's what bloomers are, just pants that women wore beneath their skirts to stay warm. And then I daresay you will be warmer than the skintight Levi's club. Also I think a split skirt that is cut very modestly would be appropriate for sporty things. I am a member of a couple of Yahoo groups where we discuss this kind of thing. Some are very modest and never appear unless they're in a skirt, even if they're weeding in the backyard. Some are much more casual, just exploring the concept of modesty and looking to dress more feminine, like you.
You sound like a very earnest and thoughtful person. Pray about it, read some more, think about what God might be calling you to. Thanks for writing and God bless.
"I read what you wrote, carefully. I have some questions.
1) Where can I find the "Pope test"? Sorry, I read your post
and checked the links, and I cannot find it!
2) Pants: I admit since I converted (first to Christianity in general,
and then to Catholicism) the way I dress has been changing. I am dressing in a
more feminine way (before I used to either dress in shapeless, grayish,
unflattering clothes or in too short skirts and shorts. I avoided colour, also).
I find myself more drawn to long skirts and more feminine pants. But I still
need the pants. When it's raining or cold, nothing can beat the pants. I still
have some pants from "before", which I hate, because they make me seem ugly and
masculine. But the new ones have a feminine, more classic cut. Why do you
believe all pants are not feminine? Why can't they be like skirts: there are
masculine skirts, as the kilts from Scotland or the traditional garb from Apulia
seaweed collectors (Portugal), or the skirts the men from Miranda (Portugal)
wore. Why can't there be masculine pants and feminine pants?"
Hi, I'll try to answer your question, but I'm not an authority, only a housewife :)
1. www.catholicmodesty.com
Standards of Modesty in Dress
Imprimatur dated Sept. 24, 1956
"A dress cannot be called decent which is cut deeper than two fingers breadth under the pit of the throat; which does not cover the arms at least to the elbows; and scarcely reaches a bit beyond the knees. Furthermore, dresses of transparent materials are improper."
The Cardinal Vicar of Pius XII
I just used the phrase "Pope test" as shorthand...thanks for pointing out to me that it needed to be clarified (you mean somebody actually read my blog?? Whoo-hoo!).
2.
a. Only God knows. It's a path He's drawn me to. Without grace, without Scripture, and without the Church, there's really no point in delineating any standards at all. The modern culture just continues to slouch toward Gomorrah, so there's no standards there. Just what won't get you busted. Also check out Deuteronomy 22:5: "A woman shall not be clothed with man's apparel, neither shall a man use woman's apparel: for he that doeth these things is abominable before God." I think some of the gender-bending fashions we've seen in history are the exception, not the rule.
b. I applaud your journey. I think we all get to a point after conversion where we have to listen deeply for God's call and His personal will for our lives. You know He wants you to be Catholic, but what kind of Catholic will you be? Do you know He is calling you to sainthood? That He is calling every person on earth to sainthood? Do you know that when men can see the separation of your legs...it doesn't matter what you're wearing, they are staring at the rear of the woman. Please don't be offended...I try to be a very refined person but sometimes women don't seem to realize that men are so plagued by concupiscence that we are shocked when we find out! I am not saying that men are animals, or that they all want to do this, but they are bombarded all day with things that tempt them to sin. We can help our brothers out by "veiling" our intimate parts.
c. I totally agree about winter!! You freeze, because modern skirts aren't made to keep you warm--you can't fit anything under them. But jeans aren't necessarily any warmer. My advice is, find or make a longish skirt that is cut a bit fuller than "normal" and wear some exercise pants or soft pajama pants underneath. That's what bloomers are, just pants that women wore beneath their skirts to stay warm. And then I daresay you will be warmer than the skintight Levi's club. Also I think a split skirt that is cut very modestly would be appropriate for sporty things. I am a member of a couple of Yahoo groups where we discuss this kind of thing. Some are very modest and never appear unless they're in a skirt, even if they're weeding in the backyard. Some are much more casual, just exploring the concept of modesty and looking to dress more feminine, like you.
You sound like a very earnest and thoughtful person. Pray about it, read some more, think about what God might be calling you to. Thanks for writing and God bless.
The B-team is here!
Whew-eee!
Thanks to all of you whose patience has finally paid off. I've cudgeled my brain into messing with my blog template, and ...the B-team badge & blogroll are finally UP!
Check out my new links!
Learn about Catholicism!
Have fun surfing the B-teamers' blogs!
I'll be getting another cup of coffee...head hurts...
PS: Any of you bloggers who can give me tips on how to make my blog fancy-er, they're welcome...
Thanks to all of you whose patience has finally paid off. I've cudgeled my brain into messing with my blog template, and ...the B-team badge & blogroll are finally UP!
Check out my new links!
Learn about Catholicism!
Have fun surfing the B-teamers' blogs!
I'll be getting another cup of coffee...head hurts...
PS: Any of you bloggers who can give me tips on how to make my blog fancy-er, they're welcome...
How do you deal with JW's?
I am sorry to report that after my post on how to treat door-knockers in a gospel manner, I hid from some JW's today. I guess I could cop an excuse--my baby is sick, that's why we're home from Mass today, I was upstairs with my toddler helping him go potty--but really I can't say I wouldn't have hid from them if I had no excuse at all. Why? If Catholicism (however unattractive it is in its contemporary form) is the TRUTH, why should I shrink from sharing it? Are there any legitimate reasons?
1. I am afraid of persecution. Yep, you heard it here--I was just afraid. I probably wouldn't balk at a couple of grassroots fundies going around the neighborhood sharing the "good news," but JW's in particular are notorious for being organized, aggressive, and explicitly anti-Catholic. In the literature they left me it showed a picture of a Catholic priest among their image montage exposing "false religion." And when you read it, you can tell that when they say "false religion," what they really mean is the Catholic Church.
2. I am unprepared. I know, I know, after being on an apologetics diet for 1 1/2 years, you'd think I'd be loaded for bear when these guys show up. I know enough to defend the Church in casual conversation with friends and relatives, but I don't feel ready to go up against professional religious salesmen.
3. I don't feel safe with strange men in my house. I have a right to feel safe in my own house, and if Dean's away, that usually means that I don't invite anybody in unless I know them. Maybe I would have been less intimidated if it was a couple of ladies. But they were older, heavyset men in business suits. Eh.
It is important to spread the Gospel, and these days that's my mantra. It's what Christ told us to do, and when I realized I didn't know the gospel all that well, I started keeping an open Bible by my bed, so that when I get ready to go to bed, the words are already staring me in the face.
That's why I've been exploring modesty and headcovering. It's such a powerful witness, and you don't have to say anything. Even if I had just opened the door, my long skirt and hair up probably would have conveyed some kind of witness. Maybe they would have been nicer to me. But there'e so much going on around here and in my head that I just couldn't take the chance.
So I apologize for being an intimidated, unprepared chicken. I really hope those men go with God and stay on the path to His truth, wherever it leads them.
1. I am afraid of persecution. Yep, you heard it here--I was just afraid. I probably wouldn't balk at a couple of grassroots fundies going around the neighborhood sharing the "good news," but JW's in particular are notorious for being organized, aggressive, and explicitly anti-Catholic. In the literature they left me it showed a picture of a Catholic priest among their image montage exposing "false religion." And when you read it, you can tell that when they say "false religion," what they really mean is the Catholic Church.
2. I am unprepared. I know, I know, after being on an apologetics diet for 1 1/2 years, you'd think I'd be loaded for bear when these guys show up. I know enough to defend the Church in casual conversation with friends and relatives, but I don't feel ready to go up against professional religious salesmen.
3. I don't feel safe with strange men in my house. I have a right to feel safe in my own house, and if Dean's away, that usually means that I don't invite anybody in unless I know them. Maybe I would have been less intimidated if it was a couple of ladies. But they were older, heavyset men in business suits. Eh.
It is important to spread the Gospel, and these days that's my mantra. It's what Christ told us to do, and when I realized I didn't know the gospel all that well, I started keeping an open Bible by my bed, so that when I get ready to go to bed, the words are already staring me in the face.
That's why I've been exploring modesty and headcovering. It's such a powerful witness, and you don't have to say anything. Even if I had just opened the door, my long skirt and hair up probably would have conveyed some kind of witness. Maybe they would have been nicer to me. But there'e so much going on around here and in my head that I just couldn't take the chance.
So I apologize for being an intimidated, unprepared chicken. I really hope those men go with God and stay on the path to His truth, wherever it leads them.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Hallowed Souls All Around Us
I've been watching a lot of movies lately, since the weather turned. And since I've converted, I'm noticing some Catholic "pearls" that get dropped in here and there by Hollywood. Not many, but a few.
A lot of films try to play with reality. Some are more effective than others. The Matrix, for instance, tried to introduce this idea in a hip, stylish way to the young. Unfortunately such fantasies are unproductive, increasing the nihilism and sense of disillusionment that young people already feel. But after watching A Beautiful Mind again, this time with a Catholic eye, I realize that movies like these do show us glimpses of truth, only they often do so negatively.
John Nash's delusions do harm to his grasp on reality. They get in the way of him living his real life. So by the end of the film he has to ignore them. "It is only in the mysterious equations of love," says Nash at his Nobel acceptance, "that any reason or logic can be found." But what if the opposite is true? What if what the Bible and the Church tell us is actually true: that each person has a guardian angel. Each person has a purpose and a life plan ordained for them by God. We live life, not in a metaphysical vacuum, but in a "cloud of witnesses." Each person has to make a choice: to live out their purpose with God's help, or rejection of God's plan and a spiral into sin. Unlike Nash's retinue of unreal characters, we are surrounded with real persons, who stand by to guide us, to guard us, even to follow our orders.
It will not succeed unless you put on the eyes of faith. As long as you look around and see only walls, you will scoff at the notion of a personal God. But if you pray long enough, a little each day I mean, persevering in prayer and not letting the devil convince you that nobody hears you, you will start to sense little echoes of the supernatural all around you. Read a book about miracles and you will not doubt that every thought or action we take is witnessed immediately and acted upon by supernatural forces. If you're mired in sin, demons rush to do your bidding and solidify your indifference. If you are struggling to be holy, angels breathe on you and transmit your holy prayers and thoughts to heaven. And if you are a saint, then (spiritually speaking) you are "a bulldozer bearing down on a field of marshmallows" to paraphrase Fr. Benedict Groeschel.
It is spiritual warfare to try to be holy in the world. There's really no way to be an "average" Catholic. You are either fighting the good fight or you are aiding and abetting the enemy by your indifference. Remember what Jesus said, "Whoever is not for me is against me." Do you think he is going to look kindly on those of us that are sitting on the fence? It's hard, because the world seems so much more real than the metaphysical realm.You get discouraged, you start to believe that this or that happenstance is a freak incident, another is coincidence. You suffer over something and get angry and depressed, not knowing what it means. The world seems ugly and cold. Then the devil moves in and tries to convince you that the source of your healing, the Church, is really a nasty mess of bad people that you are much better off without. All you really need is yourself, he says. If you could only dispense with all the morons in your life, and do things "your" way, your suffering could at least be palliated, you could insulate yourself from the pain and loneliness you feel.
And then something truly bad happens. Loved ones go to the hospital, enormous bills land in your mailbox and life becomes a round-the-clock of work with no respite in sight. Your mind is filled with the stress of knowing that all the little plans you've built up in your mind, of what you were going to do--provided everything went peachy--are gone. There comes a point when you can't plan, you can't think, you can only react. But once you become physically and mentally exhausted, once you hit that moment of helplessness, when you can't solve all your problems yourself--that's when you go to your knees and God can finally take over.
And then you start to understand how you can have peace that surpasses understanding. Looked at objectively, she should be having a nervous breakdown from all the stress. But there goes the humble little servant of God, trusting in His plan like a child. So she can nurse her children, do the dishes, make the phone calls and dispense the medicine. Even when she doesn't understand how all this is going to come out.
I will watch through the dark til the morning comes
All the light I'll take you through the night to see
A light showing us all love can be
I will guard you with my bright wings
Stay till your heart learns to see
--Will Jennings
A lot of films try to play with reality. Some are more effective than others. The Matrix, for instance, tried to introduce this idea in a hip, stylish way to the young. Unfortunately such fantasies are unproductive, increasing the nihilism and sense of disillusionment that young people already feel. But after watching A Beautiful Mind again, this time with a Catholic eye, I realize that movies like these do show us glimpses of truth, only they often do so negatively.
John Nash's delusions do harm to his grasp on reality. They get in the way of him living his real life. So by the end of the film he has to ignore them. "It is only in the mysterious equations of love," says Nash at his Nobel acceptance, "that any reason or logic can be found." But what if the opposite is true? What if what the Bible and the Church tell us is actually true: that each person has a guardian angel. Each person has a purpose and a life plan ordained for them by God. We live life, not in a metaphysical vacuum, but in a "cloud of witnesses." Each person has to make a choice: to live out their purpose with God's help, or rejection of God's plan and a spiral into sin. Unlike Nash's retinue of unreal characters, we are surrounded with real persons, who stand by to guide us, to guard us, even to follow our orders.
It will not succeed unless you put on the eyes of faith. As long as you look around and see only walls, you will scoff at the notion of a personal God. But if you pray long enough, a little each day I mean, persevering in prayer and not letting the devil convince you that nobody hears you, you will start to sense little echoes of the supernatural all around you. Read a book about miracles and you will not doubt that every thought or action we take is witnessed immediately and acted upon by supernatural forces. If you're mired in sin, demons rush to do your bidding and solidify your indifference. If you are struggling to be holy, angels breathe on you and transmit your holy prayers and thoughts to heaven. And if you are a saint, then (spiritually speaking) you are "a bulldozer bearing down on a field of marshmallows" to paraphrase Fr. Benedict Groeschel.
It is spiritual warfare to try to be holy in the world. There's really no way to be an "average" Catholic. You are either fighting the good fight or you are aiding and abetting the enemy by your indifference. Remember what Jesus said, "Whoever is not for me is against me." Do you think he is going to look kindly on those of us that are sitting on the fence? It's hard, because the world seems so much more real than the metaphysical realm.You get discouraged, you start to believe that this or that happenstance is a freak incident, another is coincidence. You suffer over something and get angry and depressed, not knowing what it means. The world seems ugly and cold. Then the devil moves in and tries to convince you that the source of your healing, the Church, is really a nasty mess of bad people that you are much better off without. All you really need is yourself, he says. If you could only dispense with all the morons in your life, and do things "your" way, your suffering could at least be palliated, you could insulate yourself from the pain and loneliness you feel.
And then something truly bad happens. Loved ones go to the hospital, enormous bills land in your mailbox and life becomes a round-the-clock of work with no respite in sight. Your mind is filled with the stress of knowing that all the little plans you've built up in your mind, of what you were going to do--provided everything went peachy--are gone. There comes a point when you can't plan, you can't think, you can only react. But once you become physically and mentally exhausted, once you hit that moment of helplessness, when you can't solve all your problems yourself--that's when you go to your knees and God can finally take over.
And then you start to understand how you can have peace that surpasses understanding. Looked at objectively, she should be having a nervous breakdown from all the stress. But there goes the humble little servant of God, trusting in His plan like a child. So she can nurse her children, do the dishes, make the phone calls and dispense the medicine. Even when she doesn't understand how all this is going to come out.
I will watch through the dark til the morning comes
All the light I'll take you through the night to see
A light showing us all love can be
I will guard you with my bright wings
Stay till your heart learns to see
--Will Jennings
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
