Who's a Housewife Anymore?...Continued

[Blogger's note: Before the devastation of Katrina, I had intended to finish up a series of posts on certain attitudes that I have held and encountered from others about being a stay-at-home-mom. Please bear with me, as this is eventually intended for print, and please comment if you feel I've rendered something inaccurately or if you can think of an attitude that didn't make it in.]

ATTITUDE #2: Gosh, you're really lucky!

This is the being-a-stay-at-home-mom-is-somehow-like-winning-a-raffle attitude. Implied within the statement is that my husband brings home truckloads of cash, which makes it more desirable for me to stay at home and spend his money, instead of working myself for $12.50 an hour. It also completely overlooks all the planning, organization, and hard work that I do in order to maintain a lifestyle I can be happy in. The simple fact is, being a SAHM is not an accident. If I reverted to old habits, abandoned the goals I've set, and refused to expend effort to learn how to do things myself, being a stay at home mom would quickly become a state of stress and torment. I realize that people who say this are not trying to insult me, but the underlying assumptions within that statement betray yet another common myth about SAHM's: that we are somehow either way richer or way poorer than other families.

ATTITUDE #3: I wish I could stay at home, but my husband is disabled, or can't keep a job...or (insert other valid reason here).

I completely sympathize with these mothers. It is often one of the blessings I thank God for every day, that He gave me a healthy husband who is a good provider. I believe that for most mothers, economics is near the top of the list of reasons why they work. This is even more true for women who find they just can't survive financially without supplementing the family income (meaning they are working to put food on the table, not for extras). It is a fear that stalks my nights, imagining what I would do if Dean was disabled, or came down with a debilitating condition. I reassure myself through prayer, financial and savings strategies, and the knowledge that it is better to have a good marriage than a mate who is in the peak of physical or psychological condition. And many of these women ARE in good marriages, they just have to work to make it. To them I say, God bless you.

ATTITUDE #3 1/2: I am choosing to work because I have found fulfillment in my job and in being a working mother.

It occurs to me that these women must exist, but they also must be getting rarer (I haven't met any yet. Besides, they have their own magazine). I have to ask myself whether they really like being pulled in three directions at once, or if they are in denial. At any rate, true objectivity on this issue seems impossible.

ATTITUDE #4: Well I HAVE to work, I'd just go crazy at home, houses are so expensive these days, etc. (defensive reasons)

The defensive attitude is easier to identify, and even easier to understand. But I don't find it easy to sympathize. The people who make these kinds of statements usually act as if the SAHM believes her state in life is superior to theirs, prompting them to defend their own decisions. Why be defensive? Maybe they envy the SAHM and wish they could do the same, but feel beleagured by multiple pressures coming from work, the kids, the husband, the culture, etc. Or maybe they've simply bought into one or more of the myths of being a stay-at-home-mom (see below).

The fact is, there's a reason this person has made the choices she has. If she really wanted to stay at home, she could do any number of things. She could choose to give up some things that she (or her husband) thinks are necessary but are really extras. They could put forth effort to change their lifestyle to a less expensive one (moving to a less expensive area of the country, for example. And if that sounds extreme, consider people who are forced to move because the economic opportunity in their chosen region has petered out). Or they are the rare type that is both disciplined and organized and are working toward a concrete goal. Unless you're going to get into a much longer conversation, I would just try to let the defensiveness bounce off and maybe make a charitable statement about how you've faced your share of hardships too and that our choices inevitably carry tradeoffs. We are all responsible for our own decisions.

ATTITUDE #5: [...........................................] (nothing)
Some people are genuinely flummoxed by the SAHM state and can't think of a thing to say in polite conversation about it. This is awkward, because it most often happens with family members. They know YOU, or so they think, and they know what they do all day, but they don't want to pry too deeply into what you do all day. Or they may not be interested. Family relationships decay as a result. That's sad, and I have to say that some of the responsibility falls upon the SAHM to speak up and not censor her news, thinking it too boring. I have been guilty of this myself, particularly with male relatives. I hope this newsletter turns out to be a partial solution, that by not censoring myself and by trying to make my life more interesting to those who do not share it, family relationships could be enhanced.

"Why examine these attitudes at all?" you may wonder. "I never think about this stuff." My response to this is, roll your eyes heavenward and thank God you are not a writer. We are cursed with the desire to obsess verbally about such things and then inflict them on others. We only hope there are others out there who do think about such things without being driven to write about them, but are still interested in reading about them.